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Wednesday, August 27, 2003

Those thieving rabbis: The Protocols blog finds a rabbi stealing money from disabled children. The total of $700K was distributed to pay for various things and to family members, though for the sake of impartiality we'll note that none of the articles seek to confirm if the rabbi or those he gave money to are disabled. Meantime, two Chasidim ripped down a piece of artwork in New York City this week from the face of a building ... that they own. The artwork portrayed Mayor Michael Bloomberg in a bad light, but was supposedly taken down for code violations; not to be stopped, the Mayor quickly attached himself to another wall.
posted by Benyamin | 4:01 PM | Link | (5) comments |
Tuesday, August 26, 2003

Unprofitable investments in sin: The MorganFunShares mutual fund will officially go kaput come the end of the year, establishing that it's not always profitable to invest in sin. The mutual fund, founded by the late Burton Morgan, made a name for itself by investing in companies that trade in vice: liquor, tobacco, and gambling. The late Morgan wagered that people would stick to these unhealthy habits, even if the economic climate took a turn for the worst. Investors, apparently, did not agree.

The lesson learned here is, of course, quite simple. If you're going to sink your cash into things unsavory, it makes more economic sense to at least get a lap dance out of it.
posted by Bradford | 6:10 PM | Link | (0) comments |
Sunday, August 24, 2003

The Bold and the Bubbes: Imagine the characters on your favorite soap opera donning kippot and continually uttering "praise the Lord." If that's too hard for you, just tune in to Israeli television. A new half-hour show, "The Rebbe's Court," began airing on Azure, a cable channel devoted to Jewish issues, and depicts Hasidic Jews engaging in soapy stories. The show is actually headier than you might think, focusing on issues such as the divide, and often contempt, between secular and religious Israelis.

But a soap is still a soap. The main plot centers on the son-in-law of the local Rebbe, who is expelled to the secular world after being falsely occused of gambling a quarter-million of the community's cash. His wife, the beautiful Zippora, believes in him though and spurns the matchmakers looking to get her a new guy.

As for the challenge of portraying steamy storylines when you can't cross the line of tzniut standards, Ranana Raz (Zippora) comments, "The eyes talk a lot." If the show takes off, the eyes will most definitely have it. Unfortunately, the Hasidic community won't, because their rabbis refuse to let them have TVs.

"Maybe they'll find good neighbors to let them see the program," said Azure's program director. "They will not be able to resist temptation."
posted by Bradford | 6:08 PM | Link | (0) comments |

Happy Birthday: Our warmest birthday wishes go out to Leni Riefenstahl who turned 101 on Friday. Riefenstahl, who is known as Hitler's filmmaker, made films of a Nazi party rally and the 1936 Berlin Olympics that brought her pre-war fame and postwar notoriety. She is too old and frail to offer interviews. Here's to you, Mrs. Riefenstahl.
posted by Benyamin | 9:50 AM | Link | (0) comments |
Saturday, August 23, 2003

Now you see it... Our friends over at the Nextbook blog link to a New York Times story about magician David Blaine who, beginning next erev Shabbat, will dangle himself from the famed London Bridge for 44 days. As the article points out: "The idea also seems to come from a personal obsession with human endurance and the Holocaust. Mr. Blaine, who is Jewish, keeps dozens of copies of Primo Levi's "Survival in Auschwitz" in his apartment, along with books on Einstein, magic and logic puzzles. His walls are filled with pictures of other magicians and celebrities (the Clintons, Orson Welles), and a giant poster of Houdini is affixed to his office ceiling." What, no rebbe pictures?
posted by Benyamin | 10:04 PM | Link | (0) comments |

The Auschwitz gift shop ... seriously: Nothing says Concentration camp like a refrigerator magnet. At least that what 30-year-old artist Agata Siwek is hoping. She has been selling Auschwitz knick-kancks (key chains, t-shirts, etc.) since last month at a Dutch art show. "Taking a souvenir and hanging it on your keys is a way to remember the evil inside all of us. It (Auschwitz) is the symbol of the ultimate evil," Siwek said. Surprisingly, she's not selling Hitler hats or Zyklon-B party cans.
posted by Benyamin | 9:57 PM | Link | (0) comments |
Thursday, August 21, 2003

I'd say 'Ouch', but I can't hear myself: This has nothing to do with Judaism, but it was too good a news nugget to leave out of the yada blog: "A Brazilian man who went to a clinic to have an aching ear checked ended up having a vasectomy after mistakenly believing that the doctor had called his name."
posted by Benyamin | 5:16 PM | Link | (0) comments |
Wednesday, August 20, 2003

Treif art bungles burglar: In case you were wondering about ways to deter burglars from striking your home, you might take a few notes from British artist Richard Morrison. When a burglar broke into Morrison's home, he mistook a work of art for a severed human head in a jar. So spooked by the sight, he actually called the police himself and even confessed his crimes to dear old mom.

What was the work of art, really? A simulated head made of bacon wrapped around a wire frame, floating in a jar full of formaldehyde. That is sooo not kosher.
posted by Bradford | 5:57 PM | Link | (0) comments |

Arresting development: The Protocols blog finds an alleged Hasidic fraudster asking to have his electronic collar removed. See, it triggers a call when he leaves his house, thereby violating the Sabbath. No word yet on whether electronic yarmulkes are in the works.
posted by Benyamin | 4:49 PM | Link | (0) comments |

Absolutely animated: Mazal tov to Jewish actor Hank Azaria on his Emmy win this week for his voiceover work on The Simpsons. Azaria is also up for guest actor in a comedy for his work last season on Friends. He'll have to wait until September 21st to see if he wins that one. As his alter ego, Moe on the Simpsons, would say, "Let's raise a glass."
posted by Benyamin | 2:17 PM | Link | (0) comments |

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow: Reuters reports: "An Israeli company has proposed cooling down sweltering London Underground platforms by placing snow-making machines above ground." Cold bottle of water in London subway station? $1.25. An Israeli businessman's faux snow idea? Priceless.
posted by Benyamin | 1:57 PM | Link | (0) comments |

Rebbetzin for sale: A Chinese psychiatrist was arrested this week for drugging female patients and selling them off as wives. According to a report, China has 70 million bachelors unable to find wives. Think JDate knows about this? Can you say untapped market?
posted by Benyamin | 1:54 PM | Link | (0) comments |

Bad PR agent of the week: Week in and week out, we receive dozens of press releases hyping Jewish news. We've had bad PR agents in the past (like the one who sent us a press release after an event took place), but last week Ronn Torossian took the cake in this category. Trying to get us to interview Israeli Tourism Minister Benny Elon, Ronn e-mailed us a press release saying that Elon would be visiting Atlanta, where Jewsweek headquarters are located. Ronn said we could go and listen to Elon speak at the local Israeli Consulate office. When we went to confirm our appointment with the Consulate, they regretted to inform us that Torossian had not put our names on the list. Alright, everyone makes mistakes.

But Torossian took it to the next level. When we e-mailed him to tell him what happened, he responded by making fun of Jewsweek, saying that we were a small town paper that nobody knows about and blaming the mistake on us. Talk about chutzpah.

When told that we were writing something about him, Torossian wrote us this nice reply: "I will sue you if you write something. Be forewarned. I will sue you personally, your website, your company and anyone you have ever spoken with. Be forewarned."

He's going to sue anyone we've ever spoken with? Um, Mr. Torossian, that would include you.
posted by Benyamin | 1:25 PM | Link | (0) comments |

Shalom, Roseanne, we hardly knew ye: It's a sad day in Jewish history. After only two hilarious deadpan episodes, ABC has decided to cancel the hilarious The Real Roseanne Show, a 6-episode reality show which tracked the creation of Roseanne's upcoming Domestic Goddess cooking show -- which also just got canceled. And, get this, it's all being canceled because Barr, who had kabbalistic rabbinic advisors appear on the show to do face readings, is undergoing a hysterectomy. The show featured Roseanne pitching a live crime cooking show to Court TV, Roseanne playing soliataire on her computer, and Roseanne using her ex-husband and his new wife as her personal assistants. Oh, and did we mention about her new Internet boyfriend whose unemployed and bums off of the comedienne. It's that kind of utter ridiculousness which made the show a true gem. Maybe one day we'll get to see the "lost" episodes.
posted by Benyamin | 9:21 AM | Link | (0) comments |

Show me the money: According to close sources of the pop star, Madonna has bought a beautiful $300,000 Los Angeles home for her spiritual guru, Rabbi Eitan Yardeni. "Madonna wanted Eitan to have a nice place to live,” says the insider. “She sees him whenever she’s in L.A. When she’s in England, she visits his brother, Eliyahu, who teaches Kabbalah in London, so she always has a Yardeni on hand," says the source. This is just chump change for the $5 million Madonna plunked down earlier this year for a Kabbalah Center near her London home. After all this, you think she still has to pay for High Holiday tickets?
posted by Benyamin | 9:14 AM | Link | (0) comments |

The Real Raiders of the Lost Ark: Though it probably wouldn't sell out at the box office, there are a band of real-life raiders presently seeking out the Ark of the Covenant, and guess where they're looking. If you guessed underneath the site of Jesus' crucifixion, you're a winner. Neverminding that there is some dispute over where exactly Yeshua ben Yosef was strung up, the searchers are following up on a claim by the late Ron Wyatt, who said he actually saw the Ark twenty years ago and believed it's covered in the blood of Christ (which leaked down through a crack caused by an earthqua... oh forget it).

Wyatt, who's been called a "charlatan" by other Bible scholars, also claimed to have found the other Ark (Noah's) in Turkey, what's left of Pharoah's chariots at the bottom of the Red Sea, and the "true" location of Mount Sinai -- apparently it's in Arabia, not Sinai. Thus far, the expedition hasn't unearthed the sacred artifact, but we're sure when Harrison Ford shows up great adventures and much success will ultimately ensue.
posted by Bradford | 12:34 AM | Link | (0) comments |
Friday, August 15, 2003

Blackout bonanza: Well, it looks like Shmuley Boteach is going to have his wish come true. In last week's issue of Jewsweek, the sexpert pontificated on the need for the Jewish couples to procreate more. His wish is their command. As a reult of the blackouts that blanketed the Northeast and parts of Canada, Toronto's mayor predicts we'll see a baby boom in about nine months. As Reuters points out: "It is widely believed that the birth rate rises after times of crisis, but many experts dismiss this phenomena as urban myth." Mayor Mel Lastman is known for making outlandish comments. According to reports, "the millionaire mayor and former furniture and appliance salesman once threatened to kill a reporter, implored the Spice Girls to stay together and called in the army to help dig the city out of a snowstorm -- much to the outrage of the rest of snowbound Canada." In any event, we hope Shmuley is happy.
posted by Benyamin | 1:30 PM | Link | (0) comments |
Wednesday, August 13, 2003

Faux news: The Fox News company is suing Jewish comedian Al Franken about the subtitle of his forthcoming book "Lies And The Lying Liars Who Tell Them, A Fair And Balanced Look At The Right." FOX News, it turns out, is under the impression that it owns the words, fair and balanced. The suit, which most insiders are calling ridiculous, alleges that "Franken is neither a journalist or a television news personality. He is not a well respected voice in American politics, rather, he appears to be shrill and unstable." This, as MSNBC's Keith Olbermann poignantly pointed out, from the company that employs Geraldo Rivera. Franken shot back on Wednesday by saying this gem: "And by the way, a few months ago, I trademarked the word 'funny.' So when Fox calls me 'unfunny,' they're violating my trademark." He's good enough, he's smart enough and, gosh darnit, people like him.
posted by Benyamin | 4:48 PM | Link | (0) comments |

Sex in the yichud room: Well, the Sex and the City Jewish wedding that we've all been waiting for finally took place on Sunday night's episode. The ceremony featured the usual suspects -- a chuppah, a broken glass, and some slap-on kippahs. The best line of the episode: In a fit of dismay over wedding preparations, the gay best friend exclaims, "The hora! The hora!"
posted by Benyamin | 4:27 PM | Link | (0) comments |

Fashion police: Nothing like wearing a designer label. Gucci, Prada, Calvin Klein come to mind. But Hitler? It seems a Hong Kong fashion company is using swastikas and other Nazi memorabilia on its clothing and inside its stores. Not surprisingly, Israeli officials have lashed out at the chain. What is a little surprising is that German diplomats are also upset. "It's totally inappropriate because these symbols of the Nazi regime stand for cruelty and crimes against humanity," a vice consul of the German Consulate General in Hong Kong told the Associated Press on condition of anonymity. "These symbols brought a lot of pain not only over Europe, but over the whole world. ... It's definitely not the way to promote clothes." On condition of anonymity. Now why would he be embarrassed to put down Hitler? Man, those Germans really need to work on their PR.
posted by Benyamin | 4:11 PM | Link | (0) comments |

Root canal: It seems the director of the new critically-acclaimed film The Secret Lives of Dentists about is not that excited about being Jewish. "I have a little problem with all religions," says Alan Rudolph. "It's all about control. Organized religion is built around 'do what we tell you and we’ll let you in the club'". Ouch.
posted by Benyamin | 4:00 PM | Link | (0) comments |

Jock itch: We didn't realize that people were so interested in the formative years of Jewish shock jock Howard Stern, but apparently there's an untapped market out there. The newly-launched Spike TV is working on an animated project called Howard Stern: the High School Years. Think there'll be strippers on the Bar Mitzvah episode?
posted by Benyamin | 3:54 PM | Link | (0) comments |

More mystic Madonna: You'd think the media would stop harping on the fact that Madonna and Kabbalah are synonymous -– but, alas, that is not the case. Just this week, the New York Post's famous "Page Six" gossip column reported that, despite studio efforts otherwise, there will still be plenty of Kabbalah references in Madonna's husband's upcoming film, The Revolver. And across the pond in England, Madonna's rabbi told the London Daily Telegraph that, contrary to popular belief, he doesn't seek out celebrity clients. "They come and find us, and we treat them the same as everyone else who wants to study Kabbalah," Rabbi Yehuda Berg said. "Demi Moore just walked in one day and we welcomed her. With Madonna, it was the same." How come there's nobody that good-looking walking into my synagogue?
posted by Benyamin | 3:26 PM | Link | (0) comments |

Start the presses: In an apparent effort to teach people that not all Arabs are terrorists, the United States government is starting a new magazine aimed at showing the lighter side of being Arab. The Arabic-language magazine, simply titled Hi, will target a young Arab demographic and feature stories on the hip topics like "the experiences of Arab students in American colleges and shorter articles on yoga, sandboarding, singer Norah Jones, Arab American actor Tony Shalhoub and marriage counseling -- the latter story illustrated with a photo of Dr. Phil McGraw, the Oprah-spawned TV tough-love guru." Sounds to us like an Arab version of Jewsweek. Maybe the Saudi Arabian government will start funding our magazine.
posted by Benyamin | 1:06 PM | Link | (0) comments |
Tuesday, August 12, 2003

The doctor is out: The Protocols blog notes that Dr. Laura is no longer an observant Jew, hanging up her candlesticks after having converted nearly a decade ago. And why? Says the good doctor, ''I felt that I was putting out a tremendous amount toward that mission, that end, and not feeling return, not feeling connected, not feeling that inspired." Probably the same reaction audience members had after calling her show.
posted by Benyamin | 3:29 PM | Link | (0) comments |

Jesus, this stinks: Well, the verdict is finally in. After weeks of Jewish scholars pontificating about the potential anti-Semitic overtones in Mel Gibson's 2004 film about the last 12 hours of Jesus' life, one rabbi has actually seen a rough cut of the film. Rabbi Eugene Korn, the Anti-Defamation League's Director of Interfaith Affairs, attended a private screening over the weekend at the Museum of Fine Arts in Houston, Texas. In a statement on it's Web site, the ADL's Abraham Foxman said, "The film unambiguously portrays Jewish authorities and the Jewish mob as the ones responsible for the decision to crucify Jesus. We are deeply concerned that the film, if released in its present form, will fuel the hatred, bigotry and anti-Semitism that many responsible churches have worked hard to repudiate."

But the more pressing question is this: Is it better than Gigli?
posted by Benyamin | 3:03 PM | Link | (0) comments |

American Idol ... Mideast style: After viewers voted Lebanese singer Melhem Zein out of the semi-final round of Arab Superstar (we're not kidding), an agry mob horded the stage in protest. "With our blood and souls, we sacrifice for you Melhem," the protesters chanted, waving pictures of the defeated singer. Man, these people get riled up with blood on their hands about the stupidest things. Where's the ubiquitous Justin Guarini when you need him?
posted by Benyamin | 12:31 PM | Link | (0) comments |

Pass the hummus: The Church's Chicken franchise -- most famous for being closed on Sundays -- has decided to open up 60 locations in five Mideast nations. However, don't go looking for the highly recognizable Church's Chicken sign; they're going to call it Texas Chicken instead. "Even though the name Church's isn't tied to a place of worship -- it's actually tied to the founder's name, George Church -- in our research we found its religious connotation was misunderstood, especially in Islamic countries," said company spokesman Robert Jiminez. Yeah, I guess Shul Shnitzel wouldn't have been a good idea either.
posted by Benyamin | 9:22 AM | Link | (0) comments |

Sounds strangely like Ovaltine: Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi must have a lot of free time on his hands. In a statement published on his Hebrew-language Web site, Gadaffi claims he knows how to solve the entire Mideast conflict as well as restore calm to the whole region: Call it "Isratine". Seriously. We're not making this stuff up. Despite Gaddafi's seemingly nice overtures towards Israel, he points out that Libya will not or never will open any forms of communication with Israel. Ah, nothing like an evil dictator turned mass murderer to give us a good laugh.
posted by Benyamin | 9:14 AM | Link | (0) comments |
Monday, August 11, 2003

Slinko in synagogue? You may not find slot machines or pinball games in any American synagogue, but if you're a Buddhist in Tokyo (and, if you are, why are you reading Jewsweek?), you may feel right at home. According to an article, last week "those who make a living from pachinko, a game resembling pinball that enjoys huge popularity, gathered at a Tokyo temple to express gratitude to the clattering machines that make it all possible. Garish pachinko parlors, ubiquitous in Japan, are for large parts of each day filled with devotees transfixed by electronic beeping and the rattle of small metal balls whirling through the upright machines." The wacky article goes on to say that "in Friday's solemn ceremony, Buddhist monks in purple robes chanted sutras in front of a candle-lit, brocade-draped altar adorned with a golden replica of a pachinko machine." God bless pachinko.
posted by Benyamin | 4:28 PM | Link | (0) comments |
Thursday, August 07, 2003

Barr none: Comedienne and consummate burper Roseanne Barr wants to get back to work. The former TV star wants to return to the small screen with a new cooking show which ABC is documenting with their own reality show aptly titled The Real Roseanne Show. Got that? The premiere, which aired this week, featured Roseanne hiring an executive producer for the new cookfest which is being billed as the "white trash Martha Stewart". Her method of hiring? She had her rabbi and a Kabbalistic face reader give notes on potential candidates. For those of you keeping tabs, her rabbi is the same guy Madonna goes to for advice. Isn't it amazing how we always find a way to squeeze Madonna into this section?
posted by Benyamin | 1:27 PM | Link | (0) comments |

Holy matrimony in the Holy Land: Much has been made of whether or not a new Israeli law is racist. It prevents Palestinians who marry Israeli-Arabs from getting residency permits in Israel. That has raised the ire of human rights groups, who classify the law as "an extreme solution to a marginal phenomenon." Which marginal phenomenon? Well, apparently the law was passed because around 20 Palestinians with such permits took part in terror attacks, ferrying suicide bombers to their destinations.

But not all is bad in the world of wedded bliss over in Israel. If you happen to be gay in Tel Aviv, you're now able to cash in city discounts with your same-sex partner as hetero-married couples. Tel Aviv's queer community is celebrating this major step towards equality and integration into Israeli society. Traditionalists, like Jonathan Rosenblum of Am Echad, are lamenting, but worry not. Efforts are already being made to send the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy crew to Eretz Yisrael to scare the bejesus out of Rosenblum and company.
posted by Bradford | 12:36 PM | Link | (0) comments |
Wednesday, August 06, 2003

We'd like a slice, please: Have you seen those promos for the latest installment in the American Pie series? If so, you noticed a Britney look-alike in a dominatrix outfit. Turns out she's a member of the tribe. Nikki Schieler Ziering, who appeared in the buff in the July issue of Playboy, says "people are shocked to discover I'm Jewish ... I fell in love with Judaism because it's all about family values and having good morals. It's something I made a commitment to and that I take seriously." That "commitment" was made in 1997 when she converted to Judaism to marry Beverly Hills 90210 hunk Ian Ziering. She told the Jewish Journal of Greater Los Angeles that despite her 2001 divorce, she still practices her faith and enjoys the minor details of Judaism. "I love how you cover the challah when you say the blessing over the wine because you don't want to 'hurt its feelings.' That's such a great way to teach children compassion; it's just such a sweet thing." Oh, how sweet it is.
posted by Benyamin | 9:53 PM | Link | (0) comments |

Getting their due: We've all heard of paying high prices to join a synagogue, but have you ever heard of the synagogue paying you? According to Reuters, a "black Baptist minister looking to diversify his church wants to pay white people to attend his sermons. For the month of August, whites who go to Greenwood Acres Full Gospel Baptist Church in Shreveport, Louisiana, will get $5 an hour on Sundays and $10 an hour on Thursdays," Bishop Fred Caldwell said. If synagogues start to do this, would we get paid more for attending Yom Kippur services?
posted by Benyamin | 9:30 PM | Link | (0) comments |

Take a bite out of this: The Protocols blog finds that Mike Tyson has been abandoning his Islamic friends for a bit of Kabbalah. Tyson's bankruptcy filing lists an $86,000 expense to two doctors who are actually part of the Fourth Domain, wherein, "The ancient prayers of the Kabbalistic and Shinto Metaphysical Traditions are employed to further open you to Divine awareness." We hear that his new facial tattoo is actually an ancient symbol meaning "He Who Bites Ears and Rapes Women and Wastes Athletic Potential."
posted by Benyamin | 3:21 PM | Link | (0) comments |

Smitten by God?: For those of you who think that the ten plagues are only the stuff of yesteryear, think again. A swarm of locusts has forced residents of an Inner Mongolia town into taking drastic measures to stop the insects from settling on surrounding pastures and grasslands, officials said. Where's Charlton Heston when you need him?
posted by Benyamin | 3:09 PM | Link | (0) comments |
Tuesday, August 05, 2003

Write of passage: Pick up the phone. It could be literary boy wonder Jonathan Safran Foer. The author, who won critical acclaim with his debut novel Everything is Illuminated, is making house calls -- literally. Reading groups who choose his novel about his search for his Jewish roots can enter a contest to have Foer call them and discuss his work. Entries must be in by August 21st.
posted by Benyamin | 5:50 PM | Link | (0) comments |

Scandal bad, publicity good: Dallas Mavericks owner and Internet billionaire Marc Cuban has never been shy of speaking his mind. And last weekend was no different. While attending a celebrity sports event, the Jewish philanthropist told Access Hollywood's Pat O'Brien that there are some positive side effects to the Kobe Bryant sex scandal. "From a business perspective, it's great for the NBA. It's reality television, people love train-wreck television and you hate to admit it, but that is the truth, that's the reality today," Cuban said said. A look at the upcoming schedule reveals that the Mavs first game is against, you guessed it, none other than Kobe Bryant and the Los Angeles Lakers. Cuban must be in cross-promotional heaven.
posted by Benyamin | 4:26 PM | Link | (0) comments |
Monday, August 04, 2003

Careful, racists ahead: You've heard the phrase about there not being an atheist in a foxhole. Well, unfortunately, the same can't be said for white supremacists in a home improvement store. In a small town near New Orleans a car crashed into what passerbys thought was the Southern Home Improvement Center. At least that's what the sign said. But inside there was far from any improving -- home or otherwise -- going on. It turns out the building is actually the headquarters of the New Christian Crusade Church, a virulent anti-Semitic group started by James Warner, a founder of the American Nazi Party and associate of former Ku Klux Klan Grand Wizard and Republican gubernatorial candidate David Duke. Oops. Once inside, police found stacks of racist books and pamphlets, including Adolf Hitler's Mein Kampf. Almost makes you wonder who was behind the wheel.
posted by Benyamin | 4:51 PM | Link | (0) comments |
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