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| Tuesday, July 03, 2007 |
The Answer Maven Column
From our July/August 2007 issue
Q: I heard there’s a Jewish custom not to get a haircut during the three weeks of mourning that start this year on July 3rd. Well, the three weeks are here and I haven’t gotten my hair cut in months! As a matter of fact, it’s quite unruly. What should I do?
A: How unruly are we talking? Like, “I haven’t showered or blow-dried in a couple days and I need to wear a hat” unruly? “Geico caveman” unruly? Or “I’ve lost my mind and look like Einstein” unruly? Because if it’s the latter — well then, you, my friend, are a lost cause. But if you’re still in one of the first categories, I give you permission to read on.
Firstly, let me just iterate (I have yet to reiterate) that you should never be in a position where your hair is such an unmanageable mess (haven’t you learned anything from my columns?), but as long as you find yourself in this particularly sad situation, I will bestow upon you my infinite wisdom and pearls of advice. Brush that hair away from your ears and listen carefully.
Find some Super Stick EZ On Gel 3000 (make sure it’s the 3000 series, there was a safety recall on the 2000 version … something about pesticides), place two quarter-sized dollops in each hand (if your hair is really bad, you can use a Susan B. Anthony-sized dollop), lather elaborately through your unruly mane — and voila! You’ll be neatly coiffed in no time. And if people wonder why you suddenly look like John Travolta circa Grease, tell them you’re starting a new trend and give ‘em a little greased lightning. And speaking of grease, if you can’t find Super Stick EZ On Gel 3000, try some W-D40.
Q: Since this is your green issue, what is the Answer Maven doing at her house to help save the planet?
A: I’m so happy you asked — ever since Leonardo Dicaprio and Al Gore made “going green” cool, I’ve wanted to try it for myself. (After all, what’s a good cause without a celebrity endorser? Me that is, not Leo.)
Firstly, inspired by Sheryl Crow’s recent Stop Global Warming College Tour, I only use one square of toilet paper in the bathroom. I find it’s more than enough to serve my needs and should be more than enough for you too. (Who am I kidding, that is gross.) I also started to use less paper goods and more dishes. At home. Not in the bathroom. So what if I’ve been running an average of one dishwasher load a day — is that so bad? Isn’t that normal for two people? I’ve also gotten Mr. Answer Maven to start clipping his toenails directly into the toilet instead of wasting a tissue. (I should have done that one months ago — double gross.) One thing I won’t give up though, is my US Weekly subscriptions. Yes, plural. So I need one in each bathroom, so sue me. But do it electronically and don’t waste any legal paper.
Q: It’s hot.
A: Tell me about it. Yesterday I was lying out by the pool sipping my Arizona Diet Iced Green Tea (one product plug for them, one year’s supply of green tea for me!) and I thought it was so hot, I could just die. (Oh, the troubles of working from home and writing an 800 word column every two months … and cleaning up the toenail clippings of Mr. Answer Maven.)
It’s months like this when I bless God for allowing man to discover the absolute wonder we call central air conditioning. I read the funniest thing in the New York Times yesterday. Apparently, ConEdison (my local utility company — one product plug for them, one year’s supply of power for me!), encourages homeowners to set their thermostat to no lower than 78 degrees. 78 degrees. Ha. That’s not even a little likely. What’s that you say? Lowering your electric bill is considered going green, too? Oops.
Q: With the Jewish holiday of love known as Tu B’Av around the corner could you give us some Answer Maven love advice?
A: I figured it’s my obligation as a married woman to offer some dating tips to my single (and most likely, lonely) friends. (What’s that? Oh that blinding light? It’s the sparkle off my engagement ring.)
I know that there are some nights when you’d rather sit on the couch with some Ben and Jerry’s Half-Baked Ice Cream (plug for them, year’s worth of ice cream for me … yada, yada, yada) than go out on a blind date.
But you should know that your neighborhood McSteamy is not going to come knocking on your door, As a matter of fact, your neighborhood McSteamy has no idea where you live or that you even exist. So get off your pretty little tush, put on some plum mascara (it’s all the rage this season) and get out in the dating world.
That’s what I did. Now granted, it got me plenty of rejections (ask my college roommates — it wasn’t pretty, but I was.), but in the end, it got me my Prince Charming. See, fairy tales do happen. That is, if the princess doesn’t mind asking the prince out herself.
-- Text by Chanie Cohen Kirschner / Illustration for AJL by Fred Harper
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