november / december 2006:

The Answer Maven
Here we are, at the end of another glorious year (glorious for me because I got married, glorious for you because you got to read my column in each issue). At AJL, we receive lots of Answer Maven questions and quandaries, but unfortunately, there's just not enough room to answer every one in each issue (read: they were stupid questions to begin with). But for our end-of-the-year blowout, we here at Answer Maven (the royal we, that is) have decided to include all those questions that never made it to the hallowed pages of our magazine. We've graciously decided to give these doozies some face time, with the caveat that if they didn't make it in before, there was probably a reason.

Story by Chanie Cohen Kirschner | Illustration by Fred Harper



Q: What’s the story behind the legendary Chanukah bush? Does it actually exist?

Here’s how the legendary tale goes: A long time ago, the rabbi of a small European shtetl was sick of how many Jews were putting up Christmas trees in their homes in an attempt to fit in with their non-Jewish neighbors.

In a public act of rage, he dragged his neighbor’s Christmas tree into the town square and chopped it — right in half. Stunned for a moment, the townspeople couldn’t believe what they saw, until one small Jewish man piped up and said, “Perfect! I couldn’t find a way to get it to fit in my living room before, but now it’s just right!”

And so, the infamous Chanukah bush was ushered into this world.

For further comment on the Chanukah bush in today’s world though, I defer to the resident Chanukah bush expert, Mr. Jonathan Kesselman, famed writer/director of the Jewsploitation flick, The Hebrew Hammer. “Personally, I find the term ‘Chanukah bush’ offensive,” he tells me. “Even the stingiest of assimilationist Jews purchase and decorate some sort of tree during Christmas. I have never seen an actual bush, nor any type of shrubbery for that matter in the homes of my fellow secular Jewish friends. Why is it as Jews that our trees are diminished and called ‘bushes?’ If I hung a Christmas stocking in my home during Chanukah, would it instantly become a ‘Chanukah sock?’ If I decided to build a giant nativity scene in my front yard, would I be forced to call it a ‘Chanukah diorama?’ These are the questions we should be asking ourselves as Jews.”

Q: What’s the deal with Kabbalah and clowns?

Um ... There is no deal. (I told you these questions were going to be doozies.) But I’m sure if you Google it, you might be able to find a connection. Next.

Q: Why do Jewish men have beards?

Ah, finally a question worth answering, one that actually requires my above-average expertise.

Studies have shown that many Jewish men bald at a very young age. In order to counteract the lack of hair on their heads, said men choose to grow beards, hoping that the women they date won’t notice. (“Wow! Did you see how full his beard was? What a man, he is!”) This compensation, as it were, is also evident when these short Jewish men wear black fedora hats, in the hopes that their dates don’t realize that they’re actually 5’3”. (For more on proper dating etiquette, please refer to my awesome May/June ‘06 installment.)

Many of you may not know this, but another reason Jewish men grow beards is to store food. In the olden days, men wore long robes that often did not have pockets, and food was not often easy to come by. Something about a potato famine, I think. Therefore, when they did get a chance to have a hearty meal, their beard would serve as a “doggie bag” of sorts, as they would let any extra food simply fall in it, and then have the ability to pick it out later to eat as needed.

Today, though many men have pockets and the ability to buy themselves another full meal, they still have chosen to follow this ancient custom. For tradition, they claim.