march / april 2007:

the Answer Maven
If only we could pass over our in-laws, it would make the holiday season so much easier to handle, but alas, we cannot. Thankfully our own expert and provider of solutions is on the case.

By Chanie Cohen Kirschner | Illustration by Fred Harper



Q: The combination of wine, matzah, and the constant whine of my mother-in-law at the seder really does a number on my digestive system. Any tips on how to ease the pain this Passover?

I’ve always felt that the particular combination of wine and matzah at the seder was deliberately meant to make us feel like slaves all over again — sort of an enslavement of the digestive tract, if you will (but what if you won’t?). And the nagging mother-in-law represents a sort of Pharaoh to us all, don’t you think? (I hope my mother-in-law isn’t reading this right now…)

That being said, I’m not sure why you would want to separate yourself from this most imaginative and meaningful role-play (come on, who doesn’t love a good role-play). But if you feel you must, I can recommend a few tried and true tactics to help alleviate your affliction.

First, drink plenty … of water. That way, you’ll have to excuse yourself from the table many times, safely ensuring you’ll miss at least one of the four cups of wine or one sitting of matzah-face-stuffing. An additional bonus of all your trips to the loo? You’ll have plenty of breaks from said mother-in-law (mostly because she’ll be thinking you’re pregnant and finally get off your back).

Or here’s a simple one that most people ignore (as humans, we tend to ignore the simple solutions — but, alas, that’s a topic for another article): Drink grape juice instead of wine. It’ll be a little easier on your system and you’ll avoid making a scene in front of all your relatives (cue Aunt Edna’s infamous Macarena dance from last year).

There’s also a little pill (no, not a jagged one) called acidophilus that might help ease the digestive process a bit. It’s over the counter, so no need to fake a prescription for this one.

If all else fails, throw up your hands (whoopah!), embrace the moment, and treat yourself to a matzahtini — my personal favorite seder night treat.

Q: Is the post office in Israel closed on Israel Independence Day?

Um … no. And why does it matter? The return address on your envelope says Iowa.

Q: Help! I’m trying to clean my house for Passover and it seems like there is no light at the end of this very cluttered tunnel. Any tips on how to make the process more manageable?

Yeah, make your kids do it.

Just kidding. Ok, well not really — you could pay them to do it, or when all else fails, bribe them to do it.

Stop looking at the page in feigned disbelief that I would mention, or that you could possibly think of bribing yours kids. Because though you may not be proud of it, you have most definitely been guilty of promising your child a candy bar (or perhaps an Xbox depending on both your financial status and your level of guilt) in exchange for that sweet little thing’s cooperation.

But for those of you without children, (or for those of you who still insist that bribing the children is not a viable option) hear this: cleaning for Passover is a lot like doing your taxes — if you don’t get it done before April, you pretty much missed the boat. The only difference being that if you don’t clean for Passover, the IRS isn’t going to come after you (unless, of course, the rumors of a secret underground leaven department at the IRS turn out to be true).

So get started early, make a list of everything you need to do, and cross each item off as it’s completed. That way, you’ll feel a sense of accomplishment even when the smallest of tasks (I dusted the top shelf — yay me!) is done.

Q: My company just downsized and I got laid off after 15 years of dedicated service. I haven’t been in the job market in so long. How do I go about finding a job?

Well, considering I am sitting here in my fuzzy bunny pajamas and matching slippers, sipping my hot cocoa and munching on Oreos asking myself the very same question, I am probably woefully ill equipped to answer your quandary. However, that’s never stopped me before, so you’re in luck.

When you’re job-hunting you have to be aggressive. Like wedgie-giving, face-punching, lunchbox-stealing aggressive. Otherwise, some other yutz is going to grab it before you do. Once you’ve digested that, you’re ready to begin your job search. All you have to do is write a resume, then write a cover letter, and then begin your search on one of the many job search engines online.

Phew. I’m getting tired just thinking about all that work. Time for a break! (And you wonder why I haven’t found a job yet.)


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