january / february 2007:

the Answer Maven
From a Valentine’s Day history lesson to planning the perfect honeymoon (steer clear of the stale tuna), our know-it-all guru answers your stupid questions.

By Chanie Cohen Kirschner | Illustration by Fred Harper



Q: As a Jewish person, is it ok to celebrate Valentine’s Day? Isn’t it in honor of a Christian saint? It seems so romantic and I’d love to get some chocolates from a certain secret admirer. So, could you please tell me it’s ok?

Of course it’s ok! Have you ever looked closely at Cupid’s pudgy little frame? Well, if not, it’s about time you do (just maybe not at work) because you’ll find something exceedingly interesting, as I have. By digitally pushing aside the layers of fat on his upper thigh (with my Mac, of course — you can’t peek under layers of skin on a PC, silly), one only needs to look closely to see that Cupid has actually been circumcised. That’s right, the mischievous little fellow is a Heeb himself. Indeed, in many ancient drawings, Cupid is pictured wearing a diaper. And why do you think that is, dear reader? Hmm? Exactly.

The reason most people don’t know this little tidbit is simple. Over the centuries, the classic image of Cupid has morphed into someone a little different. You see, Jewish sages who wanted to distance themselves from the diaper-wearing cherub conceived (no pun intended) other images of what we know as the modern-day matchmaker (Yenta, anyone?). Though his Talmudic descendant bears no physical likeness to him, the classic Jewish matchmaker and Cupid share a common purpose. They both choose two people who have absolutely nothing in common to date and subsequently fall madly in love.

Point being, Jews most certainly can celebrate Valentine’s Day. I mean, if you actually consider forced proclamations of affection with tired gifts like flowers and chocolates to be romantic. Sure, go right ahead.

Q: I heard through the grapevine that this issue of AJL is dedicated to celebrating black Jews. Is this true?

Uh, yeah.

Q: Unbeknownst to me, my husband agreed to host this year’s Super Bowl party. I’ve hosted synagogue sisterhood teas at my house before, but never a party where the main event involves belching middle-aged men making a mess in my living room (unless you count that one time…). I know that you’re not really a style and etiquette guru anymore (what’s up with that, anyway?), but do you have any good party-throwing tips for me?

First of all, what’s up with all your parenthetical comments? That’s my shtick. People are going to start to think I write these questions. (Wouldn’t that be counter-productive?) Anyway, you are correct, I am no longer AJL’s style guru (and for good reason — I started getting hate mail from Cosmo’s Style Girl because she was losing readership to me), but because your question came at a most opportune time (my US Weekly hasn’t come yet and I’ve already caught up with my TiVo), I’ll take a stab at solving your pigskin quandary.

Men and Super Bowl parties is a recipe for disaster, kind of like Russian dressing and scented candles (trust me, I know all too well). So you need to make your food options easy and mess-free, like chips (without the dip), barbecue wings (without the barbecue sauce) and hot dogs (without all the fixins’). While your guests may not like you anymore, the clean-up will be a no-brainer. Alternatively, if you feel you have to serve dishes that are messy, why not invite your synagogue sisterhood over to join the party and then have them clean up. See? They don’t call me Answer Maven for nothing.

Q: So I heard you just got back from your honeymoon — was it absolute bliss? Got any good honeymoon ideas for me?

How do you hear these things? I haven’t even posted the Caribbean photos on our MySpace page yet ... and you already know about it? Can you say Answer Maven stalker?

But seeing as it’s my public duty to help the little people, here goes: Planning the perfect honeymoon can take days, months, or even years. For starters, try to find a husband to take with you. The next thing is get him to marry you. Both of those things can take years (again, trust me, I know). Once you get past those hurdles, you’ll want to figure out how you and your honey want to spend your vacation — is it romance? Adventure? Relaxation? The beach? The woods? Your mother’s house? Then, do some research online. Now here’s the hard part — decide on a destination. I know it may sound simple, but for my fellow Capricorns out there (you know who you are, Orlando Bloom), it is anything but.

The worst part about the internet is the traveler reviews — one couple will say a certain hotel is the most luxurious place they’ve ever visited and another will say it’s an absolute dump. So making a decision is never easy. The best thing to do is to go with a principle I learned during my time in law school (in between my time in underwater carpet weaving university and my time as a roadie for the Backstreet Boys). Majority rules. If most people liked a place, then it’s probably a safe bet. If most people found week old tuna fish infested with flies in the fridge at a particular bed and breakfast, let’s just say, you may want to stay away … unless, of course, you’re into that kind of thing (nasty and gnarly as it may be to the rest of us sane-minded people in this world). If all else fails, the important thing is that you’re together with your new husband or wife, and these are memories that will last forever (fade in musical interlude from Everlasting Love). Peace out.


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